I never want to be one of those people who vomits life into a blog, or who shares too many details, or who talks because they have nothing better to do.
I don't even want to be one of those people remembered for posterity. Destroy your photos; let my words catch the wind. I'm far more interested these days in making life better for the people around me, and I increasingly find less time to write when trying to do that. (And often failing.)
So, why write again? Well, if this be a return to writing, let's consider it also a return to righting — an attempt at doing right the best I can, in hopes that one of these days real good and real righteousness will show up. (Psalm 37.)
So, I will write, and much of it will be crap. Some won't make sense. Much may mislead. But I'll be writing, and maybe some of it will stick, and maybe some of it will help.
Because, the more I'm convinced I've got nothing to give, I always have these wily words going through my head. And so, confusing God of this world, Who seems to relish dropping me in situations where I do not fit and do not find any bit of me in strength, I will write the words You have insisted stay in my head. As all else fails me, the words remain, and so I right the best I can.
This post is one at least I'll look back on with regret: Too emotional, right? And so it begins. I am an emotional being, and I was born to an age where my friends are blessed that I can dump the musings into a blog that no one will read rather than on their ears.
A drowning poet is all I've ever had.
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I appreciate your honesty. The reality is, I don't really see you just "vomiting life" into a blog. And I am glad you are writing again - and I feel very convicted to read that you aim to make the lives of people around you better. In the past week I have become so acutely aware of my vanity, my own pursuit of my desires and my glory, to the point of wondering if I am even saved. And if you define salvation by the closeness of a relationship, then I probably am not. (Maybe these things are best said in a conversation?) Its funny, I have a new living situation, and I so desperately want to be friends with my roommate, not just roommates; but we're both always coming and going and I'm not really sure how to ask that of someone. But I so better understand how God must feel when I am running around, choosing not to sit still long enough to know him.
ReplyDeleteAnd now maybe I've just vomited my life, but the comment box was just starring at me. And hopefully this makes sense. Is it too cute to say that your writing is righting me?
I want to write about this in a longer post someday, but my answer in short is this: There's the prodigal, and the prodigal's older brother, and most days we think we're the ungrateful older brother. But if we're aware, and the slightest bit humble, we have a chance to be the prodigal -- and that means we're open to God's grace.
ReplyDeleteI like that comparison. Because I don't think I have ever been told that I should want to be the prodigal, but you're spot on. Thanks.
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